Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
You Might Also Like
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Dietest Coke
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.