While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Bike for sale
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’m already scared
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.