Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
That’s what I call a flat tire
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.