My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
You Might Also Like
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early