[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
You Might Also Like
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye