Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
This is my favorite one of these!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human