*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Only short people can save us
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued