Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.