I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Bread puns are on the rise!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Jurassic park gets weird
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
no their not
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now