I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅