I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Become ungovernable.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”