If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough