I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Meanwhile in Canada…