Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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there has never been a better use of this meme
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
accurate
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car