*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You Might Also Like
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.