*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.