I’m not lazy
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Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it