JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me