Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.