My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?