Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.