Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie