interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.