“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
You Might Also Like
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Can Happiness buy money?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
tourist season
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.