the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My birthstone is kidney
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship