Things will get butter, keep churning
You Might Also Like
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up