Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.