I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE