How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
english majors be like furthermore
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would