From my Mom
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.