You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
War & Peace
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots