“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Cats (2019)
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.