Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Traveler’s camo
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect