My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Straight people are cancelled
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?