Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?