*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that