I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Strange
Challenge accepted.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.