Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.