Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”