“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.