With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I have two kinds of followers
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.