I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
If you want my opinion ask my wife
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
😍😂🥰😂😍
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I bet birds love this building.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?