ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
TRAIN’S HERE
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now