[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.