It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
HERE’S MARKY
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
That’s no pocket rocket.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…