I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You Might Also Like
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you鈥檙e ugly.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I鈥檒l get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
People Complain They鈥檝e Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don鈥檛 know it鈥檚 you