I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.