Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
i spent way too long on this
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids