A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
wishing you and yours all the best
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”