hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.